The A-B-C of Boy-Girl Relationships

How to maintain healthy relationships with the opposite sex. What are biblical guidelines to maintain mutual respect and honour God in these relationships?

Overview

Accept Gods attitudes and view points

Believe In God’s good plan and High ideals

Commit yourself and your future in God and trust him

Develop wise patterns of living and desirable character

Enjoy the Lord as your basic security and your “ first love”

Step A - Accept Gods attitudes and view points

Reject the confused values of the world. 

  • Idealistic dreams of perfect marriage
  • Ideal man or woman
  • Solution to ones problem in life
  • Romantic love as the highest good.

Step A - Accept Gods attitudes and view points

Reject the confused values of the world. 

  • Idealistic dreams of perfect marriage
  • Ideal man or woman
  • Solution to ones problem in life
  • Romantic love as the highest good.

Reject the confused values of the world.

Pessimistic cynical attitudes:

  • Marriage, cannot be happy
  • Biblical guidelines are outdated
  • Men/women cannot be trusted
  • Men/women are tricky

An independent attitude toward relations and marriage:

  • It is my own business
  • I will do what I want to do.
  • If it feels good, do it.

Reject the confused values of the world.

Pre-occupation with sex, premature desire to be married or in an affair

Negative attitudes toward sexual desires

Self righteous prudery or external controls don’t really help

Porn –  verbal and images tend to replay themselves, corrupting minds

Cultivate Healthy Attitudes

God originated the idea of sex/marriage

He intends it to be beautiful as his plans are followed

It is normal to have sexual desire

Attraction to the opposite sex

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

Cultivate Healthy Attitudes

This greatly needs God’s control and guidance

“Live as obedient children before God. Don’t let your character be molded by the desire of your ignorant days, but be holy in every department of your lives” – 1 Peter 1;14,15

Control Comes from inner compulsion

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.” Proverbs 3:5-7

Cultivate Healthy Attitudes

A happy marriage requires maturity and hard work

It doesn’t “just happen”

you have found the “right one”

feel very much “in love”

Marriage is not for immature people

preoccupied with all they are dreaming of GETTING.

It is for people who have developed enough mental, emotional, spiritual & economic maturity to shoulder on their own the heavy responsibilities of marriage” -Warren Myers

Follow Scriptural Guidelines

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? 2 Corinth 6:14

Follow Scriptural Guidelines

For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” “Therefore come out from them  and be separate,  says the Lord.  Touch no unclean thing,  and I will receive you.” “I will be a Father to you,  and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.“- 2 Cor 6:14-17

There are no ‘evangelistic’ marriages (i.e. Marrying with the intent of winning the other for  Christ.)

Follow Scriptural Guidelines

This is a tough one. Could be an acid test of our faith. In a Church full of half blooded Christians who try to mix the world and Christ, it takes faith and spiritual insight – to make good on this one. A “half” believer may be no better than an unbeliever, so only a whole hearted pursuit of God’s leading can result in a godly spouse.

So more importantly the question is to ask one’s self “am I committed to be a godly spouse deserving of God’s invaluable gift of a godly spouse?”

When that question is answered, here’s what you look for.

Girls, you need a spiritual leader

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Girls, you need a spiritual leader

Ephesians 5:28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Eph 5:22-33

 

Somebody you can obey, respect, admire and follow

Who cares about you as he would for God

For others more than himself

Boys, you need a Godly woman

Prov 31:10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

 

Boys, you need a Godly woman (Cont'd)

Prov 31:27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. 

Boys, you need a Godly woman (Cont'd)

You enjoy being with after romantic feelings fade

Reverences the Lord in her daily life

Relates well to people, especially in the home

Faithful to responsibilities

The kind to help raise your children

Discussion

Enact two scenarios highlighting the difference of a couple being “in love” and of genuinely loving the other.

Enact a scenario on how you control yourself to act and think appropriately when “in love”.

Enact a scenario of submission and love in a family.

Step B Believe In God’s good plan and High ideals

Do not let your heart envy sinners,  but always be zealous for the fear of the LORD.  There is surely a future hope for you,  and your hope will not be cut off. Listen, my son, and be wise,  and keep your heart on the right path.” – Prov 23:17-19

Step B Believe In God’s good plan and High ideals

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield;  the LORD bestows favor and honor;  no good thing does he withhold  from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty,  blessed is the man who trusts in you.” Psalm 84:11,12

Satan’s lie from the beginning has been, “God is withholding something good from you. Come my way and I will show you what life is all about”

The Biblical position

Sexual self control outside marriage

  • Abstinence from intercourse

Sexual freedom and honor in marriage

  • No particular restrictions

God gives specific commands  in 3 areas

  • Action, Word, Thought

God’s ideals regarding sex are reliable

Action

“Don’t fool yourselves. Those who live immoral lives, who are idol worshipers, adulterers or homosexuals – will have no share in His kingdom .. Sexual sin is never right; our bodies were not meant for that, but for the Lord and the Lord wants to fill his bodies with Himself.” 1 Cor 6:9.13

“Avoid sexual looseness like plague!.. You are not the owner of your own body. You have bought, and what a price! Therefore bring glory to God in your body.”

God’s ideals regarding sex are reliable

Word

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.  4  Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”- Eph 5:3,4

God’s ideals regarding sex are reliable

Thought

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” Matt 5:28

This can be translated, “whoever casts his eye on a woman with an impure intention and cultivates lustful thoughts has already committed mental adultery with her”

God’s ideals regarding sex are reliable

 “I made a covenant with my eyes  not to look lustfully at a girl” Job 31:1

The principle of Psychological acceptance: “If a person goes over an act enough times in his mind, when given the opportunity he will act”

Beware of lustful day dreaming

Immorality

Results

  • insecurity
  • fears
  • guilt feelings
  • a lowered self concept
  • disease
  • pregnancy outside marriage

“The best gift that you can give your partner in marriage is your virginity”

Disobeying God’s rules hurts love

The end of the very love you wanted to express

“If you examine a messed-up life, you will see that the mess always started with the transgression of a divine commandment”

‘We always hurt our neighbor when we break a commandment, even if we don’t see it immediately in our present situation. But God is greater than our situation. He looks beyond what I can see. He has the film of my whole life in view, and not just a snapshot of my present situation..”

Step B Believe In God’s good plan and High ideals

“’And His commandments are not burdensome’.(1Jn3:3).

They are not a burden but a help. They are not a load, but a force. They do not incapacitate us, but make us mature. Actually it is much simpler to keep them than to transgress them. Life becomes more difficult and complicated if we try to discover for ourselves what is good and bad.”

  Love is a feeling to be learned, Walter Trobisch

Step C Commit yourself and your future in God and trust Him

Make commitment a way of life

Commitment is a definite act that must be renewed every day.

  • In your daily quite time, and in our practical choices at life’s cross roads.

He is worthy of our complete commitment

  • Life, desires, fears, future, whether or not to me married, the timing, selection of our partner

Transformational thinking

“With eyes open to the mercies of God, I beg you, my brothers, as an act of intelligent worship, to give Him your bodies, as a living sacrifice, consecrated to Him and acceptable by Him.

Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mould, but let God re-mould your minds from within so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good, meets all His demands and moves toward maturity”

Romans 12;1,2 Phillips

Commitment

Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it. Psalm 37:4,5

“With thoughtless and impatient hands

We tangle up the plans

The Lord has wrought

And when we cry in pain, He says,

Be quiet, dear,

While I untie the knot”

Step D Develop wise patterns of living and desirable character

1. Control your thought life

  • Do not “feed” your longings/cravings prematurely
  • Watch what you feed your minds
    • Movies, TV, Books, magazines, Ads
  • Don’t make it harder to wait for God’s time and plan.

    “we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” – 2 Cor 10:5

    “I will set before my eyes no vile thing”- Ps 101:3

Youth Aflame!

The sexual desire of a single girl

to be present like a dormant flower.

The sexual desire of a single boy

Active from puberty

Arousal begins with thoughts, goes to action

“ Be careful of what you think, because you life is shaped by your thoughts” – Prov 4 :23

To unfold beautifully in marriage

2. Relate properly to others

Girls avoid the patterns of the ‘Loose woman”- 1Tim 2:9,10, 1 Pet 3:3,4

Smooth, sweet, flattering speech… being out to catch a man, scheming, maneuvering.. Flirting with eyes.. Freedom in touching men… wearing clothes that stimulate lustful looks/thoughts

Boys Avoid “macho” behavior

Hugging, kissing, casually touching..

“Treat ..older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” 1 Tim 5:1

2. Relate properly to others

Understand differences

Boys can be merely aroused by a look

Girls, arousal comes by touch

Being insensitive to this can cause others to stumble

Be courteous, learn to relate as friends

3. In dating and courtship

Objective is to get to ‘know’ the other person

Set limits with the Lord’s guidance and counsel

Adhere to standards even if it means losing friends/dates

“Many have gone a mile with Satan, who never intended to go more than a couple of steps, but once in his company, they were unable to depart”

3. In dating and courtship

Attitude should not be

“How much can I do and get away with” or “How far can I go and not actually do wrong”

But should be

“Does this glorify God? What activities and patterns will be uplifting for me and the other person?

“Turn your back on the turbulent desires of youth and give your positive attention to goodness, faith, love and peace in company with all those who approach God with sincerity.”

 2 Timothy 2:22 Phillips

4. In character development

Develop an attitude of honoring others

Family, friends, colleagues, church members

Develop Christ-like qualities

Self giving love,

consideration for others

Faithfulness in responsibility

Stick-to-it attitude in good and bad

View pre marriage years as years of preparation for a fulfilled life

Instead of waiting for “the right one” focus on being  the right one

Step E Enjoy the Lord as your basic security and your “ first love”

He is my everything

“ You cannot say that our physical body was made for sexual promiscuity; it was made for God, and God is the answer to our deepest longings.” – 1Cor 6:13 Phillips

“Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4

Step E Enjoy the Lord as your basic security and your “ first love”

“God is so vastly wonderful, so utterly and completely delightful, that He can without anything other than Himself meet and overflow the deepest demands of our total nature, mysterious and deep as that nature is.” A.W. Tozer, Pursuit of God.

It is better to spend a few years less with the right person than to spend the whole of eternity with the wrong partner

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